My Gay Friend

Fiction :

When I was 15 years old, my best friend "came out of the closet" - well, he actually went into the closet while he was "coming out of the closet" because he wanted to borrow my sweater- but, I digress. He was white. This will play an important part in the story later.

"Kibbs, I'm gay", he said.

"Like, the Shakespeare kind of gay ... Like, you know ... Old English gay ... Like, happy and stuff like that", I responded. "Sometimes when I watch Harry Potter, and I hear that English accent, I feel gay as well. I could just sit at home and drink tea and eat crumpets all day." At the time, and even today, I still do not know what a crumpet is ... Is it like "crumping"? - Remember that dance? - But, I digress.

"No, I like other boys."

"Finally!" I shouted. "My first gay friend." I was so excited to have finally met one of them, and better yet, he was my best friend. So, it was basically a two for one deal.

But there was a problem.

He didn't act gay. I mean, sure, he liked men. But he didn't do "gay things". He didn't have "tude" (that's gay talk for "attitude"), he didn't do the neck-roll, he didn't speak with a lisp, he didn't even wear bright colors. He was the least gay person I had ever met. He acted too straight. So, I decided to help him get gayer.

One weekend, I went out shopping. I bought him bright colored shirts and polka-dotted pants. I bought him a fluffy cat and a lollipop to suck on while walking ( I saw this in a commecial ). I wanted him to be gayer. What's the point of having a gay friend if the world doesn't know he's gay.

 I honestly thought that he would have appreciated the gifts. Well, turns out he was extremely ungrateful. He looked at the gifts, which I had neatly packaged in pink gift wrap and labeled "Gay Gifts", and said, "Get out."

The next week, my doorbell rang. I ran downstairs because I knew it was him. I only had one friend at the time. But he was not there. I looked down and saw a trash bag labeled, "Black Gifts". It contained food stamps, a knife, baggy pants (two sizes too big), a rap album ( by an artist I'd never heard of ), and a gun ( I'm not sure where he got it from ). There was also a note attached to the gun. It said, "To Help You Get BLACKER."

- K.S. Fort

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